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The Highlight Reel

It’s been a while, fight fans, but I’m here to tell you that I am not out of the fray yet. Things have been busy and I have missed many wonderful opportunities. My deepest apologies. In an attempt to get up to speed, I offer the following highlight reel:

Terrorists in Iraq Continue to Murder Civilians: I’ve got a 5.56mm solution to this problem. The mission of US forces in Iraq cannot be impeded by these jerk-offs. By US forces, I must include the civilian forces laboring to rebuild Iraq and keep the economy of the region spinning. Unfortunately, US citizens are not alone in being murdered. Recent captives have come from countries such as the Philippines, South Korea, India, Kenya, and Egypt. It should be noted that none of the captives are French. This is a good thing. The French leadership has more pussies than the… the… than the Humane Society (hey, kids might read this). If this situation continues, we’ll be forced to consider two options: 1) We send over Jesse Jackson to use some of his top-notch, bullshit stutter talk technique to induce a state of suicidal delirium on the terrorists, or 2) We send over the great war hero John Kerry to kick ass. Wait a minute – Kerry only shoots unarmed and wounded villagers. My bad.

Al-Jazeera Supports and Broadcasts Acts of Terror: Tell me something I didn’t know. Two words: smart bomb. Al Jazeera is not a legitimate source of news. It is an agenda-promoting sponsor of hate and murder. Hey, I’ve got a great idea - pull the freakin’ plug on Al Jazeera. We certainly have the capability to do so. And while we’re at it, shut down the websites that promote and play video of murder. What? Violation of free speech, you say? Two things: First, there is no Constitutional guarantee to free speech outside the US. Sorry - our house, our rules. Outside our house, don’t count on it. Secondly, how ‘bout we start a new reality show in America. We’ll call the show “Al Ja-Ku Klux Klan”. On the show we’ll promote segregation and murder of all non-white, non-Christians. If someone sends in a home video of hate crimes being committed or the murder of minorities, we’ll air it.

Get it? Bomb Al Jazeera.

Sandy Berger Accused of Stealing Government Documents: Berger maintains that it was because of his “sloppiness”. I’ll say. You are one sloppy dude if you manage to get paperwork into your socks and trousers. Listen up – paperwork in your socks and shorts does not make you sloppy. It makes you a thief. And it’s even more evident when all the missing paperwork pertains to the same thing.

And two recent ones:

Al Sadr Makes a Public Appearance: He will “fight until the last drop of (his) blood is spilled”? This is the man’s first public appearance. No one has seen him. How the hell is his blood gonna be spilled? In typical chickenhawk, demagogue fashion, al Sadr spends his time more reclusive that Howard Hughes, while he sends out others to do his fighting. Then he claims he will continue to fight until his blood is spilled. No problem, Sadr. Just stand still for a minute. Or better yet, stop by for a tour of al Jazeera. Two birds with one smart bomb.

John Kerry Claims to be More “Wise”: In a recent statement, Sen. Kerry said that, even knowing what we do now about Iraq and its WMD’s, he still would have voted for the war. He just would have exercised that power more “wisely”.

OK John – what the hell are you talking about? It is official – I absolutely have no freaking idea what this man is talking about anymore. First he votes yes, then he says he would have voted no, now he says he would have voted yes but exercised that power more wisely? This man, ladies and gentlemen, is quite simply full of shit. He’s got more flip-flops than a pancake house. He is a liar. More wisely? Just how do you say “yes” more wisely? John Kerry is not a leader folks. He is a follower. John Kerry picked John Edwards in order to attempt to define himself. Think about that. Alone, Kerry is a shell. He is using Edwards’s character in an attempt to define his own. But he can’t do it. All he can do is stand in the radiance of Edwards’s personality and hope some of the light illuminates his own empty shadow. Kerry’s whole campaign is centered on his self proclaimed “war hero” status. Kerry comes home after four months in Vietnam and disavows his service. Thirty years later he uses that same service to proclaim his heroism and qualification for the Presidency? Were you lying then, or are you lying now? Hey, my dad served in Vietnam – got anything planned for the next four years, dad? You’re qualified! Sen. Kerry hopes we will all be so captivated by his smoke and mirrors Vietnam Side-Show that no one will pay attention to the past 20 years of Senate voting. You hoped wrong, Johnny boy.

I am hereby serving public notice. The next person that approaches me and says that they are voting for John Kerry is gonna get hit in the head with a reality hammer. I urge you all to do the same.

Michael Farmer / TheTanker.Com E-Mail readermail@TheTanker.Com

"HEADSHOT" Featuring John Bertetto