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Doin' Soft Time

I’d like to wrap up my little legal trifecta this week, and no discussion on the American Judicial System would be complete without a little detour past the prison system. Americans have every right to be more pissed off at the state of corrections in this country than a room full of straight men at a Cher concert. If Dostoevsky were alive today, he’d write a book called “Crime and Inconvenience”. We’ve become so used to seeing prisoners languish in luxury that the concept of punishment has become more foreign then a courageous Frenchman. Conjugal visits, satellite television, complete libraries, fully equipped weight rooms, these guys have more amenities than an Embassy Suites. And any drug or vice wanted is available, at a price that would have put Pablo Escobar out of business. Christ, riots in prison break out when rival gangs fight over whether they get to watch General Hospital or Days of Our Lives.

Now, the folks down at the ACLU want to make sure that the rights of those imprisoned are not violated. However, they fail too often to remember what their acronym stands for. That L? It stands for Liberties, which you sacrifice when you are found guilty. Now, I’m not in favor of brutality, but come on. These guys are just treated too well. Prisons should be made of bare concrete blocks, or better yet, stone. Ever see The Shawshank Redemption? Cells should be 10’x10’ and have a bed, stool, and sink, preferably constructed from stainless steel. And just so no one thinks me cruel, I’ll even agree to a window. It should be 1’x1’ and high enough on the wall so you can’t see out. And no bars – Plexiglas. Seal the windows so no breeze or odors get through. It’s prison, boys. No more views, no more breeze, no more outdoor odors. Twenty-three hour a day lockdown – one hour of exercise. Alone. If your hour of exercise happens to be at 0200, tough shit. No tan for you. We can still call it Death Row. You’re there until you die.

Yes prisoners have rights. They’ve got the right to three meals a day, a roof, clean underwear, and necessary medical treatment. Sex reassignment surgery is not necessary medical treatment. Request for hormone treatment so you can cultivate and fondle your own titties, Richard Speck? Denied. They have the right to not be abused, mistreated, physically or mentally harmed, or beaten. Denial of personal freedom and the refusal of cable TV are not abuses. They’re punishments. Christ, when I was grounded as a kid, I didn’t get TV. Where the hell was the ACLU then? Oh, shit. Sorry parents, I probably just ruined that one for you, too.

Most of you are probably saying “John, it costs too much to keep prisoners imprisoned for life.” I agree. That’s why things need to change. Let’s start by canceling the cable, removing all the TV’s, canceling all the magazine subscriptions, and 86’ing the Bowflex. That should save some coin. I’m not against prisoners not on Death Row having jobs. How about this – companies requiring manual labor can purchase prison labor at minimum wage. That money will be paid directly to the state to cover the cost of incarceration. It’s not slave labor; it’s working for room and board. Prison labor is part of the cost required for the state assuming control of your life for you. Eight-hour workdays just like the rest of civilized America. Then back to your cell. If prisoners can’t behave when at work, then I’m sure we can find them a nice job making big rocks into little rocks. How about an eight-hour day of digging a hole followed by an eight-hour day of filling it in? Pointless? You bet. Punishment? Damn right. A week later they’ll be dreaming of being back on the work crew.

Hey, it’s prison. It’s not supposed to be fun. You’ve run your life into the ground and made yourself a danger to those around you. Now you go bye-bye. And don’t give me any of that bullshit about society and a hard life. There are a lot of people in this world who have been dealt a lousy hand, and not all of them resort to crime. Bottom line is, you made a choice. Now you need to face the consequences. Prison is not a rest home where you get to relax and watch Oprah and the Price is Right five days a week. It’s Punishment with a capital P. So let’s exact our punishment. You want conjugal visits? You got it – a date with a bottle of Lubriderm and a box of Kleenex. Adios HBO, Cinemax, and Showtime. Reading materials? Chapter One: Genesis. It works for the Gideons and Travelodge. Weights? Sure, how’s life without parole for a wait? And count your ass lucky if you get an aspirin.

Michael Farmer / TheTanker.Com E-Mail readermail@TheTanker.Com

"HEADSHOT" Featuring John Bertetto